There are several positives to be learnt in being a spouse caregiver of intersex.
1) Your innocent children suffer because you did not report the crimes and speak the truth out of threats and compassion. That does not mean the crimes did not occur. The perpetrators are free while the innocent children are getting the punishment. All the “do good one liners” come to a standstill because no one cares about the TRUTH or the gruesome plight of the innocent children. Instead of dying from this trauma, one lives to fight for justice and EQUAL RIGHTS.
2) As a spouse caregiver of intersex, one learns that intersex have unequal rights starting with marriage rights and are infertile but yet do not have rights to have children. Until then, the life of a intersex was a “black box” to you.
3) As a spouse caregiver of intersex, one “inherits” the “unequal rights” by staying in a fraud marriage but the inequality is understood gradually as life progresses. One experiences FIRST HAND the life of secrecy, lies and fraud a intersex family has to live with just to get “equal”. Living a life of lies does no good and it is better to live with the truth and live freely.
4) As a spouse caregiver of intersex, one understands that it is very lonely. One cannot talk about the issues openly and freely and is forced to live in secrecy and with lies. This can CONSUME you and restrict one’s overall growth and well-being.
5) As a spouse caregiver of intersex, one experiences FIRST HAND the level of fraud, lies, and secrecy people in authority are willing to go through “out of compassion” for a intersex family but NOT for innocent IVF children. It is better to CHANGE the laws than to BREAK the laws. It is slower but does the society as a whole more good. And it is a better message for the children.
6) As a spouse caregiver of intersex, one realizes that the loneliness is for lifetime simply because there are not too many spouses of intersex (because marriage is illegal?) or they are living in secrecy like I was. Unlike a spouse caregiver of breast cancer patient or Alzheimer patient where there are people to share with in common, no such outlet exists for spouse caregivers of intersex. There are physical wounds including a numb hand to carry for a lifetime which constantly remind you of the pain and suffering.
7) As a spouse caregiver of intersex, one experiences FIRST HAND that scientific facts and TRUTH have NO BASIS in MEDICAL SCIENCE. Instead, the humans who practice MEDICAL SCIENCE work on emotions and any CHALLENGE to their decisions is like Galileo challenging the earth as the center of the universe concept. Little do they realize that TRUTH always prevails if not in our lifetime then later, it may take time but it will prevail.
8) As a spouse caregiver of intersex, one becomes a “FIRST-TIMER” for everything. First to have Sex Reassignment Surgery (SRS) during marriage. First to have an IVF child in India with “no legal mother” while living in the US with no proper laws for IVF/surrogacy and having to deal with different laws of two countries. First to be a PRIMARY CARE PROVIDER for both the intersex spouse and the IVF child but in SECRECY. First to have SPLIT innocent IVF siblings across two continents. First to have an abandoned IVF girl child in India who cannot go to the US to be united with her IVF brother because “no legal mother” available. First to…it gets overwhelming to be pioneering new ground everyday. One realizes that be THANKFUL you are not dead from all the trauma and your parents raised you right.
9) As a spouse caregiver of intersex, one experiences being intersex like no one else. Even parents of an intersex do not have to deal with infertility, a spouse does. UNEQUAL RIGHTS and UNEQUAL LAWS. I suppose I could have left the FRAUD marriage and the laws would have supported me. I suppose I could have reported the crimes and abuse. I suppose I could have left and not shared my child with an intersex person who is infertile and given the current laws, there is no other way a intersex person could have a child. It is BETTER to speak the TRUTH and get the LAWS changed rather than BREAK the laws. It is BETTER to speak the TRUTH and unite the innocent IVF siblings who have done no wrong yet are being given the punishment. As an IVF father, I deeply care about IVF children and IVF families concerns and issues and it is BETTER to advocate, educate and spread awareness.
10) Being an intersex is not the issue, it is a naturally occurring condition. But choosing to lie about it and committing crimes and forcing others to lie about it is a HUMAN RIGHTS VIOLATION. I take great inspiration from other intersex people who are honest and living their life with great joy and passion. Truth and Honesty – what a LIBERATING feeling. I join other honest intersex people advocating and fighting to get equal intersex rights.
11) I could have been dead not once but several times because of the severe trauma, betrayal and suffering. Thanks to a great woman, my mother and my sister and my family who have saved me. But above all, my lovely daughter, who was just a few days old who saved me because if I died then who would raise her? All these women in my life have showed me the love, compassion and strength that only a woman knows how. Teaching me that the only way out is to speak the truth and silence only begets abuse, I suppose they would know a little about that being a woman.
I fight for the TRUTH and FACTS. If justice is based on TRUTH then the innocent children deserve justice. I fight to unite my IVF children but also raise the awareness in the process and get equal rights for IVF children and families. There are donors and surrogates in an IVF industry who need protection too. The IVF industry needs to delicately balance the equal rights of all – the infertile person, the biological parent, the donors, the surrogates and ABOVE ALL, the IVF CHILD.
I have learnt a lot more about life than I ever imagined. I have learnt that justice is NOT based on TRUTH and prevailing laws. That is NOT a message I want to teach my children because if that remains true when they are adults, they may opt NOT to have children through IVF – a technology that gave me TWO WONDERFUL AND BEAUTIFUL children.
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